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AN ANGEL'S LEG! NA-NASA HAS AN ANGEL'S LEG! NANA!
by Danielle Xaviera Stone What started out as a joke, but quickly lead to a secret international panic, which in turn led to further economic uncertainty, both here and abroad, has now been revealed for what it is: An obscene palendromic joke headline, created by parties yet unknown and distributed on the internet where it worked as a kind of conceptual virus, sending shockwaves of righteous indignation and foaming theological fervor directly into every devout believer throughout the world with access to e-mail... and further still, word spread to the Third and Fourth Worlds via ancient oral (and some say even anal) traditions, which then in turn caused riots, earthquakes, floods, SUV rollovers, papercuts, stonings, hate-speech, rains of blood and meat, spontaneous human combustion, old wounds reopened, chickens choked for no reason, a spate of seemingly natural actors engaged in unnatural acts, means testing, tidal waves, bridal showers, April mayflowers, general unrest and mysterious throbbing phantom third limb pain, culminating in a thudding drop in work, this last attributed largely to mysterious tremors that ran through Wall Street in the early afternoon, seeming to many analysts like the beginnings of a major orgasm. The market rode this wave of euphoria for the entirety of the afternoon, slowly at first, then faster and faster, milking it for all it was worth, only to be let down in the end as much of American business got swept away in the moment, decided to finish early for the day, then sat back and lit up fat cigars or rolled over and went to sleep... The next morn, Cape Canaveral was sacked by hordes of vandals dressed as goths, a trick that goes 'way back... crowds of faithful gathered on mountaintops throughout the world, in futile attempts to throw garbage at passing sattelites... then somebody finally noticed that stutter in the middle of the headline, the first such occurrence in history... and then someone else noted the similarity to the mysterious "Nana!" part at the end, and broke the code... in less than 48 hours millions had died, but the religious fever finally abated and all the pious and devoted of the world calmed down and went back to their regular lives of beating and imprisoning each other and cutting off each others' hands and feet and ritual genital mutilation, stuff like that... but the damage had already been done. "These "terrorists" use "words" to create "ideas" in people's "minds"... and they must be stopped!" blurted an elderly Dept. of Justice spokesman rather prematurely, before rolling over and going to sleep. No one knows the true identity of this prankster, who goes simply by the name Bob, aka Ka-Bob. Another of his phony headlines, A SANTA AT NASA!, was appended to all sorts of major e-magazines and periodicals through clever hacking, causing a bottleneck of frenetic parents jamming the parking areas of all major NASA installations for several days last holiday season, their SUVs packed with hopeful apple-cheeked American tykes, all of whom left disappointed with broken hearts and horribly-scarred psyches. Expert Noj Nosnoj (not quite his real name), who makes his living reading books backwards to dyslexic amputee shut-ins, has a differing, indeed, an exactly opposite viewpoint. "The dyslexics of the world are tired of taking a backseat all the time, being viewed as backwards by a world used to seeing things only one way... and they're serious! Many of the worst ones I read to, the really f--ed-up ones, well... a lot of them are real rich and lonely and so messed up they actually want to rule the world! They're obsessed with it, and they're actually doing it, they're setting up secret underground mountain lairs with guards walking around with uzis and everything, they're manufacturing their own chemical and biological weapons... I know dozens of these guys, and I've seen a lot of weird stuff, it's really creepy... but I live in San Diego, and the money's right, anyway!" "Remember also," he continues, "most dyslexics are good, solid citizens who are committed to being heard and understood. All we really wanna do is take back the words, backwards! Y'knowhatimsayin'? Yo, Boy! Stop Spots! Peace out! Word up, spud row!... and a bird to yo motha!" Whatever that means. The important thing is, we all agree that the author of this little "joke" must be controlled. Even if humor was the only intention, the results speak for themselves. Police are looking for a disgruntled ex-NASA employee. They believe he may be funny-looking. "The Dept of Justice does not find humor amusing!" said another official, an incredible mummy of a man unidentifiable on account of his extreme age. The mysterious joker left two messages for the police: "I'm a damn mad madam! Damn mad am I!" This first note was signed "A Known Wonka!" Mad indeed. The second read: "Sad, I'm sad as Midas..." and was signed "Neil, an Alien". Sad indeed. "These "humorists" need to be locked up somewhere where they can't make anyone laugh... now that would be funny!" said President Bush yesterday, though nobody knows if he was joking or what when he said it. An unnamed member of the Federal Witness Protection Program interviewed for this article asked not to be identified, and had nothing at all to say. | ||||||||